This is a country where tobacco kills four hundred thousand people a year, so they ban artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! You know what I mean? This is a place where gun store owners are given a list of stolen credit cards, but not a list of criminals and maniacs! And now, they’re thinking about banning toy guns - and they’re gonna keep the fucking real ones!
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?
Running isn’t a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can’t be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run, you don’t see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated do you?
Happens to be. ‘He happens to be black.’ Like it’s a fucking accident, you know. He happens to be black? Yes, he happens to be black. Ah, yes, yes, yes. He had two black parents? Oh, yes, that’s right, two black parents. And they fucked? Oh, indeed they did. So where does the surprise part come in?
You wanna know how you can help your children? Leave them the fuck alone.
When it comes to believing in God, I tried. I really did. But the more you look around, the more you realize something is wrong here. War, disease, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being.
There’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see. We are the proud parents of a student who’s self esteem is sufficient enough that he doesn’t need us to promote his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.
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